What is narcissistic abuse?
There are a lot of theories about this topic. Personally I would like to simplify it by saying that narcissistic abuse is when you find yourself trapped in an unhealthy relationship dynamic where you have an abuser and a victim. The abuser (narcissist) entraps his victim in an abusive cycle. The narcissist will deliberately try to trigger his/ her victim by triggering their insecurities. Then when the victim falls for the trap they will increase the abuse to get a stronger reaction. When the victim reaches breaking point they will have gotten their dose of fulfillment. They enjoy seeing their victim broken as that makes them feel superior. Once they had their dose they play nice again. This is to keep their victim in their trap for the next abusive cycle.
Why are narcissists so damaging?
The reason narcissists are so damaging is because they act like predators. Have you ever seen how a cat plays with her mouse before she finally kills it? This is exactly how a narcissist treats their victim. They are ultimately slowly "killing" the victim. The worst part is that they are enjoying it! They are getting fulfillment from crushing someone spiritually, emotionally and sometimes even physically.
How to protect yourself from a narcissist?
First of all, awareness! It is best to prevent something rather than cure it. By becoming aware of narcissistic abuse you can often prevent it or at least reduce it. You need to recognise narcissists through knowing their personal traits. ( I will post more on that in the future.) However if you find yourself trapped in a dynamic similar to what I mentioned above then most likely you are dealing with a narcissist.
How to stop narcissistic abuse?
Luckily there is a strategy that will reduce or completely stop the narcissist from keeping you entrapped in their cat/ mouse abusive cycle.
Do not 🚫 let them trigger your insecurities!
Do not 🚫 give them any reaction/ response!
Do not 🚫 act offended or try to defend yourself.
As already mentioned the narcissist gets fulfillment from seeing their victim in emotional turmoil. They will deliberately act or say what will trigger your insecurities. They are experts at detecting your insecurity and love to open old wounds.
Use this knowledge against them by not allowing them to trigger you. Whenever they do or say something hurtful, have the willpower to not respond. In fact you need to act as if you don't know what they are talking about. Don't act offended or try to prove you are right. Just stay unphased like you don't even care.
This will often confuse the narcissist and they will realise their scheme is no longer working. Overtime they will realise you are not the right victim. They will either move away from the relationship to find another victim who will fall into their mouse trap. It is possible that if they care about you enough they will try to change.
( I know! I have heard too many times that narcs don't change. However in my opinion anyone can change if they are willing to change. That is another topic for another post!)
What narcissistic abuse can teach you?
The main thing to realise is that everything happens for a reason. The people that come in to our lives are there to teach us something. In a way being exposed to a narcissist can be a good thing if you understand the wisdom behind it. I know it sounds crazy but there is always a way to see things that seem bad from a positive angle. You can see it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and work on healing yourself. This will help you overcome your insecurities and hence you will no longer respond to abuse from a narcissist.
What are some lessons you can learn from narcistic abuse?
There are many lessons you can learn when you are faced with narcissistic abuse. Here are three main lessons you could learn from narcissistic abuse.
Firstly, being affected by anarcissist is a sign that you need to work on your insecurities. You getting triggered means that partly you believe what they is true. You have to heal yourself and forgive yourself so that you no longer have those negative beliefs.
Secondly, you need to become in control of your emotions and reactions. This is easier said than done but it is possible. You need to work on your mental strength and become in control of who you are. Don't let others control you but decide that it is your life and no one has the right to control it.
Thirdly, you need to put healthy boundaries in your relationships. By experiencing narcissistic abuse you get to experience what is not healthy in a relationship. That will teach you invaluable lessons what boundaries to put. You define what relationship you want to be in and how you want to be treated. You realise that you can't keep giving from your soul to some individuals as their ultimate goal is to crush you. So if you are suffering from "overgiver syndrome" and have a tendency to give more than what you receive you will likely attract a narcissist. This is a sign you need to put healthy boundaries where you give and receive equally. This is especially important in marriage or romantic relationship..
To conclude...
Ultimately, what doesn't break you makes stronger. Being in an abusive relationship is difficult. It can literally crush you emotionally, physically and spiritually. You can stay defeated and stay suffering or alternatively, you take it as an opportunity to learn and grow. If you decide to take accountability for your part and work on yourself you will overcome this. If you succeed I know you will come out stronger, happier and wiser than ever...
Disclaimer I am not a psychologist or therapist. I am simply giving my own perspective based on personal research, experience and insights.
Yours truly
Maria A Kader
Holistic life coach
Founder of Enlighten My Way coaching
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